http://arc-theatre.com/company/productions/gallery/09arc270/ Today after having spent a typical Sunday doing nothing and scrolling through social medias and blogs until my eyes felt crossed, I had the weirdest feeling of an urge to write. I’ve always held myself back when it comes to opening up to a x amount of people and being vulnerable. I’ve also had the tendency of keeping some things even from myself, which has led to thoughts just building up in the back of my head waiting to be coped with.
Just the thought of writing personal stuff for an audience scares me. Sometimes even opening up in my diary (which has been with me since 2006) feels like a huge step to take, and the thought of it makes my stomach flinch. To write down your emotions somewhere and them turning into something physical. This is when my brain tells me it’s easier to just forget. Pushing it back and hoping it doesn’t pop up again.
By moving to Copenhagen from Helsinki, building my own life and living by my own terms has made me think about these things more. Connecting with new people from scratch and building long-lasting friendships with them. To put yourself in a situation where you are forced to be open yourself about your hopes and fears, past and future.
Even though this half a year has been fairly easy for me without major step-backs with the moving process and settling in, it still has been an emotional rollercoaster in its entirety. Breaking free from the most comftorable thing in the world – home, family and friends, to jumping into a completely new environment with strangers. Topped with mournful news from back home and keeping up relationships on long-distance. Many things layer up at the same time whilst trying to keep up with the new everyday life in the new environment, leading to anxiety every now and then.
Sometimes people ask me – do you feel more emotionally comftorable in Copenhagen or Helsinki? I had been thinking about the answer for a long time, since I don’t even know it myself. The thought of going back home to Helsinki where everything is familiar to me is very comforting, but at the same time, coming back feels like I just disappear in the crowd and be by myself without any distractions. Kind of a safeguarding environment for me.
This question got accurate earlier in January, when a beloved relationship came to an end. Being here, grieving with only my own thoughts felt like being in a comfort zone. It might sound weird, but when I jumped on the plane a few days after with Helsinki as my destination, I almost felt like wanting to escape the situation. Having to face all the people who know you as your most vulnerable and being reminded of the places and memories where you once were. After spending an emotional week in Helsinki, it felt good to be back.
I feel like im now in quite a good place with my thoughts and I have a more balanced mindset than I had a while ago. I guess the relationship with your mind is a never ending, evolving process, where you never find a right or wrong answer. Looking back, moving to another country has made me grow immensely as a person.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this text. I guess I don’t need an answer for that – so I’m just going with it.